I made it back in one piece....

I am back from my walk and the very first thing I must say is THANK YOU. The letters I received on my walk were so wonderful and loving and very moving. The fact that you took the time to tell me how much I mean to you was so heartwarming. I have a new appriciation for acts of Agape such as these.

I would love to tell everyone all about my time there but it is so hard to find words that do justice to the joy and the Love that you feel on this walk. It is three days where every aspect of your day is spent being showered with Love. Love from God, friends, family and an army of strangers that provide everything you could ever need.

It wasn't all fun and games, you spend three days sharing one bathroom! But by the end it was like having more sisters and even more friends. I was completely out of my comfort zone and had times when I wanted to go home but I am so thankful that I stayed.

Before I left, I felt pretty comfortable about my relationship with God but there was still a nagging voice in my head that would try to intellectualize aspects of it. On my weekend I met Jesus on a human level, not some far away ideal to pursue. He literally sat down and put his arm around me, looked me in the eye and told me he Loved me. It was a God Moment like I haven't had since the first day I chose to accept his gift of love so many years ago. Another moment that I am very grateful for is a brief vision of Don surrounded by Love. I heard his voice in my ear and saw him tell me that I am Loved. It was so wonderful. I get to hear his voice on their answering machine and I have a strong memory of his face and voice but this was different. It was the first time since his death that I heard his voice in my head.

I have been floating around on a cloud since I arrived home. Kevin says he hopes it lasts and Tarah says we get along a lot better when I am happy. That is what the main thing really is. I still have no answers to the questions of the universe but I have a hope and a faith in what lies ahead and it brings me true joy. I am happy.

I am getting ready to go....

Well, I have all my homework done and all my church work is taken care of until next week. I tried to stock up the fridge and get the house clean but everyone is feeling sickly so we are trying to just take it easy. Kevin is really great at taking care of the house and the kids at the same time so it is all in good hands. I am grateful that I can take this time for myself and have such a solid support system to keep me from worrying about things.

Well our suburban finally died! The air had been out since last summer and little things here and there were going out left and right. The electrical system started to short out and the locks started to lock and unlock at will so we realized that we couldn't wait much longer. We found a decent used van like Mom's. It was a rental but doesn't seem to be beat up too bad. They gave us a good trade in on the suburban without trying to add it on to the sales price. We had been hoping that the truck would last us until I graduated next year but you do what you have to do to keep your kids from getting heat stroke!

I will be back next week......I love you guys!

Tarah's confirmation....

Well I must say that I didn't realize what an important day it would turn out to be for our family. Tarah's confirmation was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I have ever seen. She was welcomed into the church as a "grown-up" member, given a leather bible and everyone was standing in line to welcome her into the church.

I wasn't able to take any pictures during the ceremony because no one was able to join us Sunday. But karen Johnson took a picture of all of us together for our family books. I am so proud of Tarah that I can't explain it. She is beautiful inside and out. Even though she faces all the doubts and struggles that a teenager can face, she is smart and so much more together than I was at that age. I give her a hard time about being self centered sometimes but she is such an awesome person, I am wrong. I do not give her the credit she deserves. It is so much easier to complain about what doesn't get done than to talk about all the things she is always doing to help out. I wonder if it is a normal mother daughter thing to under-estimate your children. I love her and can't imagine a better daughter.

Just to clarify about my retreat....

www.upperroom.org/emmaus

Here is a link to the program. It is not really a walk but more of a spiritual walk. It is like going to spend the weekend in a monestery (sp? where monks live) or in a convent. There are no phones, tv's clocks, etc. No cameras allowed. It is much more like a three day sunday school class with a lot of praying.

The intention of the program is to strenghten your personal relationship with God. I think the letters are meant to help encourage the person. Just to let them know how you feel about them. eg: love, respect, good cook- whatever the case may be.

I wish it was more of an outdoor activity but I think it is almost all indoors in small study groups.

My walk to Emmaus......con't

Well I met with my sponser this morning. She is a friend so I am more comfortable about going. I can't take my phone or even my watch. They feed us a lot so that might blow my eating plan for the weekend. I hope I am able to relax not knowing how the kids are doing. Kevin is so awesome when it comes to taking care of everything by himself and he has Tarah to help out. I know they are in good hands and usually have a great time. I do have to take my own pillow, blanket and sheets. It will be like a sleep over with people I don't know. I found out we won't be in a group with anyone we know.

If anyone wants to write a letter that I can read in my solitude, nun-like environment they can email my pastor or my sponser. Linda.Johnson@mkcorp.com Linda my sponser would probably be the best bet. I love you Pastor John, but you are a busy man that forgets things. That is why you have Tracy and I working for you!!! We keep it running smoothly while you are busy doing God's work.

My walk to Emmaus......

Well this might sound a little strange but I am going on a retreat....I don't often consider this type of outing. I am not the person who likes to be out of contact with my children or my family. I have not been on one since I was a teenager.

I will be picked up by my sponser on Thurs. evening, the 19th of April and taken to Lake Lavon. Unless there is an emergancy I will be out of contact from the world until Sunday evening. The weekend includes 15 classes, a lot of prayer and daily communion. I have to admit I am a little nervous. One of the parts of the weekend is when we read letters given to our pastor from our friends and family. Part of me feels like the last person to get picked for kickball. I worry that no one would want to take the time to write me a letter.
Self doubt is a scary thing. The other night a lady told me I was pretty and I thought she was making fun of me. My first reaction was of self loathing. That is something I hope to work on this weekend. I hate being fat. I am working my butt off watching every bite I eat and play raquetball at least twice a week. I know I need more exercise but I am so tired. Being anemic doesn't help but I know it is not an excuse.

If any of my loved ones would like to email me a letter for my retreat - you can send a note to my pastor. I just went to check my pastors email address and found out that .......

Brandon got the call last night but.....
Brandon's liver call was a false alarm. How stressful this is going to be for his family. Please pray for them.

Tarah's first softball game...

Tarah has been practing her pitching in the back yard with a new net we got her.

Tarah is on the team with two of her best friends so it is a lot of fun for her.

Kevin was car pool dad....it is nice that Tarah and all her friends live so close together. They ride together a lot. The other parents are really awesome so the girls spend "a lot" of time together. I am really proud of Tarah. She loves softball and is getting really serious about practicing.

Johnny's first Blast Ball game...

Johnny's 1st game of Blast Ball....they are supposed to hit the ball off the Tee and then run to 1st base. When they jump on the base it makes a honking noise! Alex went with us and we tried to bundle up because it was 20 degrees and snowing!

Johnny forgot one glove so the other hand stayed in his pocket most of the time. He has three layers of clothes and a jacket on.

When it was his turn to bat he really didn't want to take his hand out of his pocket!

He hit the ball and made it to base with his hand right back in his pocket!

He had a great time and it is nice that they don't keep score at this age.

What a busy day, week or month......

Well this is the time of the semester where it really comes down to it. Pass or fail, it is unbelievable stress. I am not sure how Teresa does it. It is all I can do to hang on but I couldn't do it without Kevin to take up all the slack I leave some weeks.

The kids are a wonderful help and I am taking a nice roast and potatoes for dinner tomorrow. Wish us luck on a week full of tests that we haven't studied for and understanding children and bosses.

Easter turned out really nice. Tarah spent the weekend with her Dad but Alex came and helped out which was really wonderful. The Easter bunny dropped off a basket for Johnny. He was thrilled. He got a car(from Alex) and a cool plane fan and lots of candy that he is not allowed to eat until after a meal.

The craziest thing happened last week. I am always giving Tarah a hard time about eating better and getting more rest. I have always worried about her being anemic. Turns out after both of us getting physicals that I am the one who is anemic. Which is bizarre since I eat better as far as vegetables and fruits and lean red meat goes. It is not fair. She is enjoying giving me a hard time and telling me I have to go to bed early.

I guess this explains the crazy pica I have been experiencing and the exhaustion and the freezing. Well the iron should kick in tomorrow....................

something new for Feebs

I put a little link to my favorite TV star on the bottom of my page. I thought Feebs might enjoy it. The first one is my favorite but the automated function added the extra three videos. Teresa has her GB fan club going on so I had to add my Sawyer.....warning blatent chick flick stuff!!!

HI to Darlene from her friend from TWU

Here is a picture of Ellen. She is in charge of the Children's dept. at TWU. She often askes me how Darlene is doing. She used to talk to Darlene at the ALA conferences. She sends her Love to Darlene and I have her email address in my school books somewhere.....

my hard drive is full!!!

I was attempting to download the video of my performance and somehow I managed to fill up a 16 gig hard drive. I am going to have to do some matinance and burn all my pics on cdr.

Life is crazy here. I have been showing some signs of my drepession returning. It has been such a long time that I had really hoped it would be gone for good. I am going to a retreat on the weekend of the 19th and I hope that will help some. It is the "Walk to Emmaus" I am really looking forward to it. I hate the thought of having to take any type of medication every day, the side effects can be so awful. I will do all I can to help the symptoms in other ways. The insomnia and the mood swings are very distressing. Kevin helps keep me honest about the effect my condition can have on those around me so I will go back on my meds if it starts to affect my family or my work.

There was a report of a tornado just now in Arlington. How exciting! Sirens and everything.

I am still working on the video.

A great performance and Tarah's upcoming confirmation.

The choir did a great job today. We sounded great and Kevin video taped it for me. It is too long to upload but I will try to edit a small piece to show.

Tarah's confirmation is the Sunday after Easter. The 15th, I think. I am so proud of her. I know she does most of our church activities more for me than God right now, but she always brings some good away from it and is glad she joined in. She is just more of a watcher than someone who likes to be in the spotlight. I wonder where she gets that from.